Friday, August 30, 2013

'Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete." ~ Marcy DeMaree

Tonight I'm awake while the rest of the house is asleep; nothing new since I've officially entered the world of being a "night-shifter".  There's a lot on my mind that I can't even begin to put to words right now. August has turned into one of the most trying months of my life and I wish I could say that Sept. was looking better, but I'm currently wandering in a tunnel that, while I'm certain it has a light at the end of it, I presently can't see it. 

Tonight, among many other things, I'm thinking about my grandparents. I am so fortunate that several times a week, my Grandma calls me or I stop by to see her. She thinks I'm checking in on her. She thinks I take time "out of my busy schedule for her".  Crazily, she acts like it's a favor to her for me to stop by. She just can't see how much I truly love being with her.  She has no idea that she heals my soul & soothes the aches of everyday life. With her, I can let down my guard; be real. I am safe. I am loved. If life would leave me alone, I'd spend every day visiting with her. 

And, as usual, when it feels like I'm wandering aimlessly through the tunnel of life, I think about my Granny & my Papaw....and I miss them. 

My Granny (my great-grandma) passed away over 20 years ago.  She didn't get to see me as an adult.  She never got to meet LiviGirl. Both things that I hate.  I wish that she'd been around when I was in my 20s.  I wish that she'd met Livi & that Livi could have met her.  

My Papaw has been gone over 10 years. He did see me as an adult, albeit not a very successful or settled one.  And he did see LiviGirl. Both things that I am grateful for & both of which I wish could have lasted a lot longer.  

Related to me from opposite parents, Granny & my Papaw were very different people.  Granny was wiry & outspoken & maybe even a little snarky at times. She was perfectly fine with ice cream for supper & staying up too late was completely appropriate if you had company & a good TV show to watch :) Haha!  Papaw was quiet, gentle, soft-spoken & the most patient person I've ever met.  Being in his presence brought a gentle peace over you.  He believed in routine rules, & the inherent good in others. Each of them brought something completely different to my life.  

I miss them both something terrible.  

Days go by & I function & I try to live life to the fullest.  But deep down, I can't help but wonder what would they think of me today.  Am I the kind of parent to Liv that they'd be proud of?  Am I the kind of woman they would be happy to point out in a crowd & say "That's my Granddaughter."? I would give almost anything to sit quietly beside my Papaw for even 5 more minutes or to get 5 minutes to trade wit with my Granny. 

And so, I've come to realize that missing them will never go away.  It quietens with day to day life. Then I'll run into a little elderly man that reminds me of my Papaw or an episode of "Golden Girls" will come on late at night & remind me of watching with my Granny or I'll bite into a fresh tomato out of the garden & think of Papaw or sometimes I'll even catch a spontaneous whiff of my Granny's perfume...and in that moment my heart aches with wanting to see them, hug them, just be with them one more time....

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